Dimensions: L30cm,W21.5cm,H14cm

Medium: Mixed Medium – Plastic, Acrylic, Modeling Clay, Photography, Petal, Leaves

Description: 

I once fell into an eating disorder (ED) in New York City because of germophobia. Even when I transferred to Rochester, things didn't get better for me in those days, I struggled to make a social disconnection with the people around me - fear of shared meals and fear of food for social occasions left me trapped in isolation. There are also cardiovascular issues and hormonal imbalances. The daily fear of cleanliness about food and environment made it almost impossible for me to eat normally and my body lost weight.

This work is derived from that personal experience, a look back and self-reflection, and personal narrative of that difficult time. I chose everyday objects and handmade elements to recreate the mental landscape of that time.

The base of the work is a plastic egg carton. This plastic egg tray, taken from the usual supermarket food packaging, has a special meaning for me. At the height of my eating disorder, my eating habits became rigid and fragmented, like compartmentalized portions in an egg tray, calculating and restricting food intake. the emptiness of the carton mirrors my daily eating routine at the time: Each meal was broken down into small, 'safe' portions, isolating high-calorie or 'unsafe' foods. Looking at the egg tray, I saw that I had treated food like an enemy, that cold, sterile plastic texture was the epitome of my fear of eating and manifestation of control in those days.

Patches of blue-green pom-poms are scattered throughout the work, representing the false sense of fullness and inner emptiness of the eating disorder. The blue and green colors of the cotton balls resemble the colors of water and leaves. Blue and green cotton balls are soft yet suffocating, just as I suppressed hunger and emotions with an illusion of control during the ED period.

Several hand-modeled clay flowers quietly "blossom" in a corner, delicate yet restrained beauty in color and form. I use these clay flowers, which never die, to symbolize a controlled beauty - a forced appearance of 'being fine' that I force myself to fake. It is also a metaphor for the symbolic illness "Hanahaki Disease" : In coughing up petals from unspoken love, a person coughs up petals from unspoken love and can eventually be killed by the flowers suffocating the afflicted. I didn't actually spit out the petals, but I suppressed a lot of real emotions during that time, unable to speak out. This flower, seemingly beautiful yet lifeless, represents my state of emotional repression and inability to seek help.

Look closely and you'll find a tiny dried flower stuck in a fork, with dark red sauce on its petals. This small but shocking element points to the symbolizing harm caused by ED. The fork is supposed to be an instrument of eating, but here it becomes a symbol of torment: The flower on the fork tip resembles the pierced self, and the dark red sauce dipped on the petals resembles congealed blood stain, a metaphor for physical trauma to the body. Every time I ate, I felt like a battle.

On one side of the installation, an accidental light beam from a damaged photograph draws attention. This is actually the result of a camera malfunction: a camera failure during a shoot causes a distorted light streak to appear across the film. For me, this light is both a fracture in my darkest times and a glimmer of hope into that experience.

Ultimately, the work also responds to the theme of the exhibition - "Threads of Connection." the eating disorder disconnecting me from the world. However, the process of creating this work is the process of rebuilding those connections. I weave cotton balls, egg trays, flowers, forks, and photographs together in emotional weaving elements into a cohesive narrative, interwoven, It forms part of my personal story. When I put my work in front of an audience, I'm also trying to make connections through art, offering solidarity to those who have suffered similarly. Offering solidarity to those who have suffered similarly.